Endings

"The beginnings and endings of all human undertakings are untidy."
John Galsworthy

This is my best friend Grace who is leaving me,
but starting her own adventure.

This semester is coming to a close and all I can think about is how time slithers by.  It does not slip through our fingers like sand, as we have never had a hold on it.  We desperately spend all our lives chasing after a man-made construct, nothing that can ever be kept.

I spend time wondering if I am spending my time well, when, if you you think about it for approximately three seconds, you will realize how ridiculous that sounds.  How wasteful and jaded that sort of attitude is.  Obviously, self-reflection is a vital aspect of a life, or at least my life, but I have come to the conclusion that it is just as unhealthy to be all consumed by the concept of unused time.  This only leads to a lacking, hollow feeling that prevents you from utilizing the time you are so preoccupied about losing.

I used to be terrified of endings, because I am terrified of waking up one day next to a partner, in a home, with kids crawling out of bed.  This scenario is not necessarily the worst thing that could happen in my life, but I am worried about waking up with all of these things people normally take as gifts, but regret it and regret my precious time that I was given.  I feel like everyday I am getting closer to this thing called "Real Life" and I am not coping well.  This is especially true as my weeks blend together like days and my months like long weekends.

So I want to start accepting endings, not just because they are an inevitable part of life, but so I can lead a more productive life.  Everything is going to end, one way or another, and I need to twist that idea so it can fit into my life.  A piece of a complete being, not a haphazard addition.  I won't ever be able to control time, but I can control my time.  It is so easy to slip into wasteful activities.  As much fun as surfing the internet is, it really doesn't accomplish much.  Neither does Netflix, or worry, or obsessing.  Did I mention Netflix?

Everyone has priorities, but it is hard to keep them in check.  Like mine go: myself (not as conceited as it sounds, I mean my comprehensive health and self-reflection), my family, my studies, my friends, my hobbies, and then possibly a significant other (but really, we all know I'm going to be a cat lady).  But I don't always follow this guideline that I made for myself.  It's hard to balance life, especially when the pieces aren't equal.  But...it's a goal of my that I have been, slowly and reluctantly, striving for.

This was a completely jumbled mess, but I think I got where I was headed.