A Journey Inside

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
John Wooden

Some very literal masks

I have a difficult time discussing my feelings.  Sometimes because I can't find adequate words, but mostly because I don't want to.  I am goddamn writer, the self-reflection of abstract thoughts is what I do for fun.  There is nothing I crave more than building some melodrama in my head for my abstract self to act out in the privacy of my being.  I am hyper-aware of myself: my thoughts, my actions, and my presence.  The trick is not to let anyone onto this facade.  Any relationship, no matter how flimsy, is a power struggle.  Never let anyone know all the details.

I am extremely left brained and right brained simultaneously.  I am quite abstract and whimsical in my everyday thoughts and ponderings, but when it comes to human interaction, I am almost strictly analytic.  I feel a sort of detached observance when it comes to relationships, whether it be romantic, platonic, or convenient.  One particular thing I pride myself in, is analyzing human behavior.  I am good for two things: writing and seeing past the bullshit.  It's good to know your strengths and those are my two.

I pick up on almost everything.  Honestly, truly, literally.  But how often do I point these details, these human quirks I find in other people?  Almost never.  I will if I feel like it will serve some better purpose, otherwise no.  People don't want to know you can see past their curtain, they want to go on believing they have you fooled.  They want to feel clever.  And I let them.  I don't have this nagging need to feel clever.  If I know in my being that I am right and that I've seen the true self, that is enough to keep me warm at night.  And I'm not talking about 'right' or 'truth' when it comes to instances as casual correcting someone when they have misspoken, I'm describing the feelings when you see past the inevitable mask that everyone wears every day.  

I can pretend that I don't notice things or I didn't hear something.  I can pretend I believe someone when they are lying.  I can pretend someone is doing the 'right thing' when they are not.  I can pretend someone has justified themselves to me when they haven't.  I can pretend someone is genuine when they are plastic.

It goes back to not letting on all you know.  You can nod, smile, and agree.  That is so much easier than exasperating your energy on something so far from worth it.  Instead you can file your information away and bring it out later when a relevant time presents itself.  Instances can include: whether or not to trust in or confide with someone.  Whether to rely on someone.  Whether to delve into a deeper relationship.  Whether or not to keep them in your life.

Someone might read this and misunderstand.  They may think: For a girl who wants to keep her thoughts to herself, she reveals a lot.  The truth is, I don't.  I say many things to many people, but if you listen closely, you will realize I haven't been saying much about myself.  My true, core self.  And that's no accident.