Sparks XX

Having Grace for the weekend

Grace in general

Playing board games

Breakfast at The Nucleus with wonderful friends

The movie Persepolis 

Apple cinnamon french toast and The Frigid Girl Scout

Sherlock viewings 

Making taco Hamburger Helper that was maybe kind of okay

Class days that begin at 2:00 pm

Having professors already know me by name

Key earring compliments

Women's Studies

Professors with pink hair and funky tights

Fleece lined tights under jeans

Layers and layers of scarves

Michelle for borrowing me her hat

Eating pints of Ben & Jerry's with Abby 
Finishing said pints
They were Half Baked, okay

Strong and resilient strangers that leave me in awe

Brunch with Hannah

Vagina Monologue auditions

My hot English professor finding me interesting

Ooh la la 

Wow, twenty Sparks, wow

I think my Research Methods professor likes me?

Maybe???

I'm going to go with yes 

That College Life

"College has given me the confidence I need to fail."
Jarod Kintz 

Feeling like real college students

Sparks XIX

Relaxing and recharging mornings

Tuesdays that begin at two in the afternoon

The everything playlist

Movie night: round two

Solo walks to Water Street

Trucker's Union and all the goodies it has to offer

My West African earrings

Vintage cards

Hilarious clearance greeting cards

New beginnings

Fresh starts

First days

Gossip sessions with Amelia 

The fact that I can feel that things are going to be different

Ridiculously clean rooms

4 Westrogen

Harry Potter floor themes and being sorted into Slytherin

Hannah for her beautiful ring and romantic story

Hannah also just for being the best and the sweetest and helping a gurl out
Feminist pedagogy, hell yeah
Paulo Freire and his wise words
Having a gorgeous English professor who seems to like swearing as much as I do
Having intriguing classes and professors, so far, who also happen to be hip and young
Did I mention my English professor?
The first thing he said to us was "Jesus Christ"
My. Ovaries.
His hair is lovely
As are his glasses
Wow, English class

Aye yo spring semester

Sparks XVIII

Leaving home home only to return to another

Saying goodbye to a small town
Lovely warm days for walks downtown
Finding facial sunscreen that is actually nice on the skin, praise Jesus

Hugs and adventures with Abby

Getting kicked out of Davies

Going to The Nucleus and Trucker's Union with Dad

Seeing the Hobbit (finally) with Dad

Strawberry nutella crepes in all of their glory

Coin earrings that I am destined to acquire

Mints and a lovely note from Grace

Open spaces

Um, let's talk about the fact that I can watch Sherlock tonight!

James and his enthusiasm and tight embraces

The feeling of being completely unpacked

Seeing so many familiar and friendly faces

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of Michelle and Ali

Hannah putting me a Slytherin, obviously

Grace is visiting in a week!  

Sweet pea wallflowers

Knowing that I will be missed

Grace for being kind enough to leave some essential items for me

And also a scrap of carpet

Eating breakfast foods for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as a snack, wow

Making plans to see cabaret

Abby and her lovely ratted hair

Catching up with friends

Writing blog posts from the place I belong

Sparks XVII

Beautiful winter wonderland walks

Fat snow flakes that make the world look new and fresh

Stepping the the footprints of others on slippery sidewalks

Quaint little bakeries with reasonably priced gourmet treats

Turning in sixteen dollars worth of coins to kind bank tellers

The streets of a peaceful, quiet village
Afternoons with Marshall

Riley's heated nook
Friends huddling together on my bed

Binging on doughnuts, magazines, and gossip

The telling of secrets and confessions

The color maroon, in all its regal glory

Helping Aubrie in editing her paper and knowing I made a difference

Knowing that I have an impact

Brain Dump Reflection

It was an eye opening experience, writing that brain dump.  It was extremely therapeutic.  It was like flushing all of the toxins out and leaving myself with a blank slate.  I just wrote and wrote until I felt a little empty, in a good way.  Part of the reason I take medication is to quiet my brain down, take the edge off. I have so many thoughts, anxieties, worries, daydreams, fantasies floating around my head at all times of the day.  It is extremely difficult to concentrate and keep my head above water.  I had no idea how severe it was until I starting taking something to tame my brain, so to say.  My little Brain Dump doesn't even nick the surface, but it does make a pretty pattern.  

I noticed that I started out with relatively good spelling and grammar, but it deteriorated quickly, sometimes almost incomprehensible.  I like that.  Just like the mind.  Just like feelings.  I was just typing so quickly, trying to get the words out as they passed through my mind cavity.  I began at my normal speed of typing, but soon I was typing faster than I ever have.  Thinking/writing that all down honestly took me maybe five minutes.  I was just whizzing through thoughts and sentences.  Reading it back over, in the short amount of time, I actually didn't remember some of the things I jotted down and I was even a bit surprised by some of the items I mentioned.  

It's all very interesting, and it's all so very human.    

Brain Dump

*This is an exercise, like free writing, to jot down everything that has been running through my head at the moment.  Think. Write. Release. Not worrying about spelling/grammatical errors, comprehension, or fluidity. Going as fast as my thoughts come. Just writing therapy.*

I can't believe I'm going back to school in three days. It seems surreal that time has passed this quickly with nothing substansial happening.  I mean not to say I didn't have a good time, it was extremely restful and I definitely enjoyed spending time with family, but I feel like i had all of these plans and I didn't really accomplish any of them,  I was going to work out and I was going to work on my creative writing and I was going to read a ton of books.  okay i guess i kind of did that, but still.  everything was pretty bland like cheerios without a sprinkle of sugar.  and it doesn't help that I' so worried about my sister. I don't like the people she hangs out with, i think they are bad influences on an already inressionable person and i fee like she feels like she needs to do whatwever she can to fin in.  she is a great person who is funny and fun to be around, she doesn't beed to change fr other people to like her.  I just feel like she could easily start travelling down a dangerous path and maybe thats just because i have been friend s wih people who have traveledc extrensicely down the paths i worried she is going to take.  she acts so sneaky and i never even know what she is lying to me about.  i can tell she isnt happy but she closes me out.  i think she knows i know bt she doesnt know that i know the extent . im just worried about her.  i am more observant than my parents and i feeel like its dangerous for me not to be arond, acting like a sort of atchuf l eye or fly on the wall. and i know some of this isn;t her fault. i know she has some extensive issues with a certain family member that i can relate to, but i feel like it all digs at her deeper. she can't let go and she dweels .she also doens;t know when to stop. im afraid to go back to school because of this and im happy to be going to back to school because of this . and the fact that i will no longer have to be a cashier at least for a few months and one thing cashiering has taughtime is how thankful i am that i go to college and i won't have to clean public bathrooms for a living anymore...hopefully.  i can only hope for the best and my best fdefinteily doesn't include washing out piss stains from a toileet bowl unless its my own.  I'm already sick of everyone in this town. its like a snpshot of a bunch of people who let their dreams fade and a stuck in the neverending rut and depression.  i have ot see them day in a day out checking out their grocieres and seeing nothing behinf the face.  they are the typeof people who wake up, go to work, come home, watch tv with glazed over eyes, go to bed, and repeat.  what the hell kind of life is that.  i would happily give up things like job security or a home in th nice oart of town if it means i have to live that dull sort of existance, ya know.  its just nt worjth it. i can't be happy in a small town with small people.  ive taken to lookin up larger cities in the united states...just to read about them...just to see what's going not.  not the cliche new york city or chicago, but ones you don't really think about immediately when you think about a big city.  citiws liek kansas city.  its just interesting.  its a new perspective.  also, it's weid to think that actual things go on outside of your own perosnal sphere.  there are things you will never know that are going on in toronto riht now.  or in some hard to pronounce county in the middle east. there are hings happening and people living their lives and going through their own struggles and conquests and you will never know any of it and you will never know them and it makes you think about how small and insignificant you really are and it really doesnt seem like you make much of an imact but really you do.  you do amke an impact.  maybe not eeryone can have a worldly impact ,  ut you have an impact on the people you are close to, you ave an impact on your accquinatances, and you even have an impact, no matter how slight, on the people you casually pass on th street.  maybe the shirt you wore inpsired them to get on liek it, maybe they thouhgt you were cute, maybe they thought you looked like you were having a bad day and they spent 45 seonds thinking about what could have madeyour day bad.  maybe they thought you looked like someone they wanted to get to lnow or someone they never wnt to me.  you knever know.  you can never know truly what someone is thinking because you are not inside their mind with them.  everyone is going to hold back and filiter somehwat weh n hey speak so you will never nefver never get to full unadulterated version.  they probably dont even know the full version it seems like people think in a different language then they speak something so abstract and complicated and they do their best to translate and it usually wotks somehwta most of the time, but you get those times when you can think something so clearly and vidily, but you don;t have the right words or phrases to even begin to describe what you are feeling, like you can't even understand yourself or the things or the lack of things running through you and if you cannot understand yourself who the hell can. you ahve a front row seat to your own mind but its still like watching a foreign movie without the subtitles.

Sparks XVI

How happy this blog makes me and what it shows me
The new background 
Nice little old men and women who buy dozens of cake donuts every Wednesday
The old man on the bench sipping his coffee and chatting to me
People who use their own bags when grocery shopping
People who use paper bags
Having the day feel long instead of wondering where the time went
Aubrie's independence
Triple digit roman numerals are so great
My bookcase, I've been looking at it a lot lately, it's pretty neat
Finding a book in the back of my closet that I accidentally stole
New additions to the bookcase...
Pig
The Eels - Fresh Feeling
Clean rooms
Thoughts of going back soon
Natalie just for being Natalie
Seeing Marsha!
Tomorrow is my last day of work
Doing the right thing (even though it back fired like big time)
This coming Saturday
Dad telling me he'll take me to The Nucleus when he drops me off
That means strawberry Nutella crepes
Reminiscing about childhood memories with family
Watching Scrubs with my family like we used to years ago
Starting my day with a bowl of good ol' Life
Did I mention my last day of work is tomorrow?  

Contentment

The Eels - Fresh Feeling



I have a difficult time feeling content or satisfied for long periods of time.  Or even medium amounts of time.  I have never really enjoyed extremely permanent fixtures in my life,  probably one of the main reasons I will never get a tattoo, and I feel as though I'm always searching for middle ground.  How can people be O.K. with just average, mediocre, mundane?  Because they think that's what they deserve?  Or maybe they don't even know what they want to begin with.  I sure as hell don't know what I want, but I do know what average is.  I know what average feels like.  It feels like nothing, it feels like numb.  It feels like purgatory, a limbo between being good enough to succeed and being brave enough to be a fuck up.  I am in no way a good or perfect person, I have many severe flaws that cling to me, but I at least owe it to myself to live a slightly above average life, right?  Eventually I will stop looking for the fresh feeling, because I will have found a feeling that I can live with for eternity...right?  Or am I not supposed to settle...on anything...no matter how good?  Are we all supposed to keep moving, exploring, and stretching our limbs?  Maybe I'm never supposed to feel content.  Maybe contentment is what keeps people from greatness and adventure.  It could keep them from being interesting, a full of stories to tell at parties or pages of a journal, from being well-rounded, experienced, flawed in the beautiful human sort of way, and I guess it keeps everyone from growing.  I mean...right?  Doesn't contentedness by nature...stunt you?  You decide to cut yourself off at a certain level because you think this is as good as it gets and you don't feel the need to reach out for more?  Pull other elements into your life? If you are truly content, you aren't going to experiment...because you're content with where you are, no need to stir things up, that what content means.  So, content is really just a synonym for boring?

Sparks XV

Making it to fifteen Sparks
Going back to college soon
Getting pedicures
Dark red nails
Cute little manicurists named Rose and Lee
Having adventures with Aubrie
Michelle deciding that when we get back we are all having a sleepover in my room
Mint meltaway ice cream
Once Upon a Time
Captain Hook for being so damn attractive
Irish accents
My dad watching Dexter with me
Hot fudge sundaes with raspberries on top
Dad for planning a day of fun with me this weekend
My hideous house sweater
My obsession with buying journals I will never use
The new little decor items I bought:
A organically shaped glass jug...thing
And a golden little trinket keeper.
Already having someone in line that I'm borrowing Divergent from
Texts from Hannah that make me laugh
Winning ten dollars from the lottery
Natalie's ridiculous snapchats
Aubrie for indulging me in my absurdness and having the same sense of humor as me
Being loved so thoroughly 

Adulthood

"Thirty was so strange for me.  I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult."
C.S. Lewis

So, so adult-ish

Sparks XIV

Baking chocolate finger cookies

Not having to go into work

Naps

"Mexican Hot Chocolate"

Being productive even though it's break

Blogging for the first time in forever

Riley's cute little snores

Slippers and robes

Reading good books

Cream cheese doughnuts 

A warm house

Actually going to bed early, but still waking up late

Probably having the room to myself next semester

Possibilities, inspiration, and ambition

Oatmeal on arctic days
Roman numerals are cool, okay
Literally having to look up like every roman numeral

How thankful I am that I go to college

Treasuring the days I don't have to clean public bathrooms

Fuzzy socks

A sister who just gets it

Not Your Reality

"Humans see what they want to see."
Rick Riordan

Just lil' old me

Sparks XIII

Mint flavored everything

Having a job that wants me there

Maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal

The softest pajamas to ever grace my body

Bubble baths

Quilts, quilts, and more quilts for the arctic temperatures

Space heaters (they are underrated)

New seasons of Dexter

Contemplation

Once Upon a Time

Self-Reflection

Aubrie's baking

Phone calls to Grace

Distance

Knowing what I want

The wise advice of Grace

Home cooked meals

Extra large boxes of Life cereal

Inspiration

How the house looks when all the Christmas decorations are taken out

The strange people I come into contact with on a daily basis

Butter spindles, jelly beans, twizzlers, and fake and/or real wine with friends

My hideous "love" quilt

Relaxation and restoration