Brain Dump

*This is an exercise, like free writing, to jot down everything that has been running through my head at the moment.  Think. Write. Release. Not worrying about spelling/grammatical errors, comprehension, or fluidity. Going as fast as my thoughts come. Just writing therapy.*

I can't believe I'm going back to school in three days. It seems surreal that time has passed this quickly with nothing substansial happening.  I mean not to say I didn't have a good time, it was extremely restful and I definitely enjoyed spending time with family, but I feel like i had all of these plans and I didn't really accomplish any of them,  I was going to work out and I was going to work on my creative writing and I was going to read a ton of books.  okay i guess i kind of did that, but still.  everything was pretty bland like cheerios without a sprinkle of sugar.  and it doesn't help that I' so worried about my sister. I don't like the people she hangs out with, i think they are bad influences on an already inressionable person and i fee like she feels like she needs to do whatwever she can to fin in.  she is a great person who is funny and fun to be around, she doesn't beed to change fr other people to like her.  I just feel like she could easily start travelling down a dangerous path and maybe thats just because i have been friend s wih people who have traveledc extrensicely down the paths i worried she is going to take.  she acts so sneaky and i never even know what she is lying to me about.  i can tell she isnt happy but she closes me out.  i think she knows i know bt she doesnt know that i know the extent . im just worried about her.  i am more observant than my parents and i feeel like its dangerous for me not to be arond, acting like a sort of atchuf l eye or fly on the wall. and i know some of this isn;t her fault. i know she has some extensive issues with a certain family member that i can relate to, but i feel like it all digs at her deeper. she can't let go and she dweels .she also doens;t know when to stop. im afraid to go back to school because of this and im happy to be going to back to school because of this . and the fact that i will no longer have to be a cashier at least for a few months and one thing cashiering has taughtime is how thankful i am that i go to college and i won't have to clean public bathrooms for a living anymore...hopefully.  i can only hope for the best and my best fdefinteily doesn't include washing out piss stains from a toileet bowl unless its my own.  I'm already sick of everyone in this town. its like a snpshot of a bunch of people who let their dreams fade and a stuck in the neverending rut and depression.  i have ot see them day in a day out checking out their grocieres and seeing nothing behinf the face.  they are the typeof people who wake up, go to work, come home, watch tv with glazed over eyes, go to bed, and repeat.  what the hell kind of life is that.  i would happily give up things like job security or a home in th nice oart of town if it means i have to live that dull sort of existance, ya know.  its just nt worjth it. i can't be happy in a small town with small people.  ive taken to lookin up larger cities in the united states...just to read about them...just to see what's going not.  not the cliche new york city or chicago, but ones you don't really think about immediately when you think about a big city.  citiws liek kansas city.  its just interesting.  its a new perspective.  also, it's weid to think that actual things go on outside of your own perosnal sphere.  there are things you will never know that are going on in toronto riht now.  or in some hard to pronounce county in the middle east. there are hings happening and people living their lives and going through their own struggles and conquests and you will never know any of it and you will never know them and it makes you think about how small and insignificant you really are and it really doesnt seem like you make much of an imact but really you do.  you do amke an impact.  maybe not eeryone can have a worldly impact ,  ut you have an impact on the people you are close to, you ave an impact on your accquinatances, and you even have an impact, no matter how slight, on the people you casually pass on th street.  maybe the shirt you wore inpsired them to get on liek it, maybe they thouhgt you were cute, maybe they thought you looked like you were having a bad day and they spent 45 seonds thinking about what could have madeyour day bad.  maybe they thought you looked like someone they wanted to get to lnow or someone they never wnt to me.  you knever know.  you can never know truly what someone is thinking because you are not inside their mind with them.  everyone is going to hold back and filiter somehwat weh n hey speak so you will never nefver never get to full unadulterated version.  they probably dont even know the full version it seems like people think in a different language then they speak something so abstract and complicated and they do their best to translate and it usually wotks somehwta most of the time, but you get those times when you can think something so clearly and vidily, but you don;t have the right words or phrases to even begin to describe what you are feeling, like you can't even understand yourself or the things or the lack of things running through you and if you cannot understand yourself who the hell can. you ahve a front row seat to your own mind but its still like watching a foreign movie without the subtitles.